Just About A Girl's Life

On Monday 22nd May 2017 me and a friend went to work, went home for dinner and then made our way to Manchester Arena to go see Ariana Grande.

It was just like any other time we had got ready and travelled to Manchester to see a concert, this time however, the after feeling was to be completely different from anything we have ever experienced.

The night started out like any other - all you could see around the arena and going up the stairs were excited people, Ariana fans, cat ears, young children ready to see their idol. Inside was no different.

We went straight in to the arena and then made our way to our seats as we had made sure to get there for just before Ariana was due to come on stage. The buzz around the place when you got inside was brilliant, people were chatting and singing, flashing cat ears were going strong and then the lights went down ready for Ariana to come on.

The whole show was fantastic from start to finish. Some started making their way from their seats to the exits just before the encore. Me and my friend, mainly due to my stubbornness regarding leaving something early that I had paid good money for and because we didn't have to rely on the train home, stayed right until the lights had started to come up.

Un-be-known to us at the time, that was the best thing we chose to do that night.

The lights went up, people began to move around us and we decided to let the crowds go first and take our time. As we began to move and make our way up the stairs was when we heard the loudest of bangs, not knowing what it was, we both turned to our right because that is where it sounded like it was coming from. As we did, we just started hearing screams and people began running down the stairs and towards us.

It was at this point that I got scared and my anxiety, which I have dealt with for many years, began to start up. I'm not going to lie, not knowing what was going on, what the bang was and having people screaming and running towards you was one of the scariest situations I have ever been in, especially in somewhere I usually feel so safe and can keep my anxiety under control.

My friend knew everything about my battle with anxiety and did everything to keep me (and herself) calm but I just couldn't stop shaking and thinking about the bang itself. As we moved to the left, due to the people running from the right - people on the left were now screaming and running at us from that direction. You could see the panic on people's faces - that is one of the things I will never forget from that night - the look of terror on everyone's face's and the amount of young children that had to go through that.

With people running from both sides, we had to go down towards the arena floor - little did we know that our side of the arena was the side of the lobby and where the suicide bomber had detonated his device.

We got to the floor, by this time I was completely shaking, my friend was holding my hand - it was so tight but, even though she was so calm, I don't think either of us would of been happy to let go of one another at that point especially. Getting across the arena floor to the other side was fairly easy, nobody seemed to be running anymore and at this point they were more quickly walking and following the advice of the stewards that were guiding everyone out.

I remember walking through and up the stairs seeming like the longest walk I had ever done, I didn't think my legs would make it as they had started to shake like my hands. I know all I kept thinking was, I wonder what had happened. My friend and other people around were guessing what the noise could of been - ranging from the sound system exploding to some of the balloons from the show popping - I think at that point they were trying to think of the best case scenario for what it could of been, although none of us could of predicted it was what it actually turned out to be. Everything is as vivid and memorable today, 1 year on, as it was on that day. I guess something like that will never fully go away, it will just get easier with time.

The strange thing was, when we go up the stairs and outside, we came out to be facing the outside car parks, everything seemed normal - there were people selling the merchandise and posters, people waiting across the road for family and friends who were at the concert and there was only 1 police car and 1 ambulance around at that time.

Now, after coming out we made our way over to the car park in front of the arena along with many others. There was an eerie feeling outside at this point but I put that down to nobody knowing what was going on and not knowing what had just happened when we were inside. We sat in the car from around 10:45 till 23:45. During that time, more police cars, more ambulances arrived and there was a helicopter above. Trying to ring home was difficult as you couldn't get through at first - when I did, I asked if anything had been mentioned on the news but there was nothing at this point.

The drive home for me was a complete and utter blur mixed with anxiety still in my chest. After dropping my friend off and going home, I spoke with my mum and brother - telling them what had gone on at the arena from my point of view.

It wasn't until really late that it started to come out what had happened. I didn't end up going to bed till about half 3 that night - I just couldn't sleep.

Waking up the next morning, I woke to numerous texts and messages and to it being all over the news and social media. In all honesty, I don't think the severity of it all sunk in for a week or so, that Tuesday - the day after - was a complete and utter blur for me. I really couldn't believe what had happened at all. Through that week - with it being all over everywhere - every time I saw it mentioned, it was difficult and hard not to cry.

Knowing what happened in the lobby area of the arena that night, hearing what happened to the 22 who died and all of the other people who were injured - knowing how close we were to that disgusting, vile, in-humane act absolutely scares me. It took me a while to get over being in the same place that the whole thing took place, all that kept going over in my mind was how could somebody do that and I honestly wondered if the people sitting by me got out ok or if they had been caught up in it all as they left jut before we did.

For the next few weeks, all I kept thinking was how lucky I was and how grateful I was to still be here with my family and friends - and what amazing people I had in my life for checking I was ok like they did, even people I didn't expect to. I would have nights were it was all I could think of.

A year on from that night and in all honesty, deep down it still gets to me. I try to put it to the back of my mind and carry on with day to day things - but whenever something else happens or a song plays that reminds me of it, it comes back into my mind.

The One Love concert was a massive help, being there and experiencing that - knowing that there were others there who had been at the concert that night too, it just helped. Ariana was a massive inspiration throughout the whole thing and still is today. For someone so young, she showed so much courage and strength, her fight to get the concert going and not let the people who carry out these horrific act win, was incredible.

I have been back to the arena a few times now and it has got easier with each time, even though you can't go there without thinking of the 22 people who didn't make it home that night.

New Year is always a time for people to make resolutions, some stick to them and others don't.

What I've found with new years resolutions is that making a few is better than having loads - plus never say 'I should', always say 'I will'.

In the past, my resolutions have included reading more books, going to bed earlier, drink more water, be more organised and don't drink too much alcohol. I normally break them withing the first few weeks - ending up going to bed late every night, drinking more alcohol than water, not knowing the meaning of the word organisation and as for reading?....The only thing I end up reading is whatever is on my social media every night.

So, in 2018 I am now thinking maybe I need to change my approach to this resolution lark! Sure, there are people out there who can make 30 resolutions and stick to them all throughout the year - but that's just not me, I need something a little more manageable.

Instead of signing myself up for a years worth of 'well, that resolution didn't work out', I'm going to change a few minor things in the hope I can stick to them:

1). Throw out any old clothing that doesn't fit, has holes in or has basically seen better days - yes that includes the favourite pair of socks that somehow always manage to avoid the bin!!

2). Don't buy shoes that hurt from the minute they're tried on - we've all done it, but why not save ourselves some money by not buying them, or buy the comfier pair?

Credit to photo owner - photo not mine

3). Stop making plans you know you'll cancel - we are all guilty of it, so if you know you're not going to go .... don't say yes!

4). New jeans - invest in a good pair of jeans that not only make you look good but make you feel good too. Having that go to pair of jeans always helps.

5). Try to switch your phone off before bed - yes that means no instagramming or facebooking in bed.

Credit to photo owner - photo not mine

6). Change up your look. Why not try a new hairstyle or colour? or get a new shade of lipstick?

7). This one was a good one for me - find out your actual bra size. A lot of women don't actually know or haven't been measured. I walked into Victoria's Secret looking to spend my birthday money, asked the assistant for a size only for her to say she did't think I was that size and would I like her to measure and check. Good job she did!!!

8). Leather Pants. From experience I can say, these are one of the best buys! The go with everything - different style tops and shoes, they can literally dress up even the casual-est of looks.

9). Clean up your make up collection - whether it's throwing out that lip colour that doesn't really suit you, throwing out of date make up out or just cleaning your brushes - you'll feel better for it.

Credit to photo owner - photo not mine

10). Don't go to bed with your make up on (we're all guilty of it).

11). Stop letting things get to you. That argument with your mate, that customer in work that wasn't so nice .... let it go - otherwise it will just make you an angrier person and could hurt others too.

12). Drink more water. Get yourself a fancy cup and keep drinking and filling it up, I did and it works!

13). Get more sleep. We all say we need to catch more of them precious zzz's so why not utilise the bedtime feature on your iphone's clock app to help yourself hit your pillows at a more reasonable and consistent time each night?

14). Unsubscribe to all of them newsletters and junk mail that's cluttering up your inbox ... paving the way for more important emails, maybe regarding a new career? If you're already happy in your work, then enjoy your inbox being at level 0.

15). Stop replying to 'Hey' texts that come in at midnight.

16). Change your sheets once a week - a fresh bed guarantees a wonderful nights sleep.

17). Use all of your holidays. Even if you don't go anywhere.

18). Start doing things for yourself (if you don't already) - including appointments, meetings etc.

19). Be selective with who you follow on social media. You don't need to see everything that your ex or someone you don't speak to anymore is doing .... Press the unfriend/unfolllow button, it feels so good.

Credit to photo owner - photo not mine

20). Embrace podcasts, books on tape and vloggs. You can do what you have to around the house whilst listening and won't be stuck in front of a screen.

21). Start monitoring how much you spend and what you spend it on. It's always good to spend less and save more (need to listen to this myself)!!

22). Print our some of the thousands of photos you have taken over the years and place them around your bedroom and home ... good memories bring good vibes.

23). Don't worry about 'good' and 'bad' eating, just do your best and keep going.

24). Do what you can at the gym. Just because other people go 5 nights a week, doesn't mean you have to. Just do what you can and what you're comfortable with.